The Gap

So, as I haven't updated in a while, I figured I might fill you guys in. My last lesson with Fran left me in a total breakdown. Nothing she did, of course, but because I was so untrusting of Chase that Fran was getting sympathy pains. Once she helped me realize what exactly was happening, I was assigned to sit and cry while she walked to the van to get her trimming tools to trim Chase. I didn't even realize it was that big of a deal to me. Anyways-what happened is that the time I had played with him before that he had pulled away from me several times on the circling game like always, and the time I decided to hold onto the rope-REALLY hold onto it, and smack that spot behind him, he threw his weight into it and totally slammed me into the dirt. I don't think that alone was what got me so emotional about it. In reality, I think I was nervous before, but ignored it. And that's probably what set me up to fail in that scenario-and it explains why I avoided the barn afterwards. I took an awesome weekend with Fran and her horses-got to ride Shadow, her year long project now. He has one of the best canters I've ever ridden. ;) But back to the topic-so basically I blew through a lot of thresholds, and then when I finally got hurt in the process, the little warning voice in my head said 'See? I was right, you should have listened.' And I should have-I shouldn't have played circling game. Because the week afterwards when I came home from Fran's, I plainly avoided the place. I didn't feel the confidence to go play with my horse, and pointively I didn't WANT to see him. I hate saying that, but just thinking of him started the feelings of guilt and failure, and....unfortunately, though I don't want to admit it, I was blaming the horse in a part of my mind.
If I wasn't blaming him, I probably wouldn't have avoided seeing him.
Anyways, while I was avoiding the barn, my sister found me a job in Lakeville. It's at a nice boarding stable that just opened up (Cedar Hill Stable). The owner had no intention of running a boarding facility, but ended up being stuck with it after being dropped out on in a deal with her friend. It's a change-from being off for three months, suddenly being thrown back into work is different. Not to mention it's planted me with more quality time with my blood related older sister than we've had in over ten years due to the fact that it's in lakeville where she lives. And, surprisingly, we aren't ripping each other's throats out. It's a little weird, though. Along with the new hairdue I have-chopped short and dyed dark red with gold highlights, I feel somewhat like a stranger to myself. It's a little odd, I have to admit.
Anyways-this new job has caused me to realize a few things other than the fact that I'm OUT OF SHAPE. It's exposed me to the everyday lifestyle and handling of normal horsepeople. Those people, by the way, are some of the kindest people I've met. I truly respect them.
Watching them and their horses has made me realize what I have with Chase that I've been taking for granted-a real bond. What I've been searching for has been with me this entire time-I just didn't see it. And when I did see it, I took it for granted, and thought that I'd truly have a bond when he'd offer to do all the fancy stuff for me. But-we already have it. Even if we aren't doing the fancy stuff yet, it's only because we need to grow, not because our bond isn't strong enough. And I miss it!! The horses at Cedar Ranch don't respond the way Chase does, or Ginger now that I've been playing with her-they don't really make that mental and emotional connection. It's almost like they're ignoring the human entirely. Chase pretends to ignore me when we're playing sometimes-but the connection is still there.
...So all along, what I've been dreaming of and searching for, has been with me all along. All I need to do is nurture it and watch it grow.