On The Road To Finding Myself Again

I have found out a lot about myself lately. My world has radically changed, along with my way of looking at things. I choose not to go into detail about that due to others secrets being in jeopardy if I do. Anyways, I have found myself looking at things in a deeper, wiser way than I ever thought I would. A deep pride has shown itself, as well. Pride in myself, and all my friends, old and new. A lifelong burden and fear has been removed, and I am entering my life anew. As well, I have found many weaknessess in myself. One-I feel the need to be strong. This in itself isn't a bad thing, however, when I let my guard down in front of a friend and they unknowingly jeopardize that, it hurts me deeply, and I tend to take it personally. I found that tonight at work I went into a complete melt-down. I found it extremely hard to interrupt my right brained pattern of depression, and then impossible to redirect without going back into the sadness immediately afterwards. I was disappointed in myself, doubted where I was heading into life, and if I was ever getting there. And even, if it was worth it. I found my smiles hard and forced. I felt weak and helpless, and with my personality, that doesn't mix well. Anyways, I'm picking myself up again. My self esteem will have to be rebuilt, but at least I have some of my fighting-never give up-spirit back again. I also realized that Chase is, in every way, my mirror. Even to the degree that like me, if someone he loves ups the phases too quickly or doesn't let him have a say, it breaks his spirit a bit. I was breaking his heart without realizing it. Also, Franny says he's an embarrassed learner. This means that he's afraid to admit he doesn't know everything. Lol. we both have a dignity complex problem. XD. And, ITS NOT ABOUT PROGRESSING THROUGH THE LEVELS!!! It's about the relationship. LOL!!!!! I'm going to take a few days off just to focus on the relationship between Chase and I, and see what happens. I'll get back to blogging regularly. And, I GOT A NEW CAMERA!!!!! So happy! I hope everyone had a merry Xmas! I'll post again tomorrow!