Finding Strength

Admittedly, I have not posted in quite a while.  Life has thrown quite a bit my way, and I've grown quite a bit because of it.  At this point, I am feeling extremely victorious.  A few years ago, I would not have been able to keep the amount of level-headedness I have been.  An earlier me wouldn't have been able to come out of this and still be open to others.  Had I still been in the pattern I had had for so many years, I would have shut out the world, shut down, and not wanted to interact with anyone but my horses and dogs.  I would've snapped out at anyone who tried to pry me out of that state, as well. 
         My best friend at the time, who I had become extremely dependent on, became half-assed about our friendship and then disappeared altogether.  My horse was lame for over a month.  My mom went through major back surgery as a high-risk patient, and then became deathly ill for months shortly after.  It put a huge strain on the family-one of my little sisters became withdrawn, the other angry at everyone, while mom and dad tried to pretend it wasn't happening.  I took it on myself then to try to keep the family together, to become the glue that we'd need if mom passed.  In the process, my own health deteriorated.  My allergies had been worse this year, and my asthma was affected as a result.  For a month I couldn't function normally because of it.  For two weeks of that month I was confined to my bed for most of the time, because getting up and walking around would cause an asthma attack.  For the other two weeks I was able to see my horse, but had to take seven different medications and bring my nebulizer everywhere with me.  It was two weeks after that month that I recovered to the point where I could start running a little bit and exercising properly again.  In the meantime, I was scrambling, trying to figure out how I could still achieve the career as a top level Parelli instructor on my own.  I'm not going to lie, sometimes I broke down.  It was a lot.  Still is.  And through it, most of the time, I was wondering where my friend was when I felt I needed her.  The promises she had of continuing to be a strong support system for me through the hard times kept repeating through my head.
        Mom quit smoking after almost dying twice, and got better, which was a huge relief for all of us.  A couple of weeks after that, a crash with a bus and a car happened in our city.  We found out a few days later that the people in the car who died (Elaine and her two grand-children, Laela and Gion) were people we knew.  Laela was a girl I had played with multiple times with her cousin, and one of my little sister's best friends. 
         It has been a huge learning experience.  I no longer feel the need to rely on others for the entirety of my own strength, and with that, I no longer blame them when they don't or can't give support.  I have my own.  I've made the decision to still be open to others, and in fact, grow more in that area.  Because before said friend, I almost never reached out.  In fact, most of the time when people tried to reach out to me, I'd close myself up in response until they left. 
At this point, I honestly feel like there's absolutely nothing the world can throw at me that I can't bounce back up from.  I am not the same person I was six months ago, and I am glad for it.